


you'll never change what's been and gone

by forestjoshua



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-21 08:12:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10681278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forestjoshua/pseuds/forestjoshua
Summary: ”Do you know who I am?”Josh scrunches up his nose. The gesture is adorable, but that is not the thing to focus on. Josh stares blankly ahead, like he is playing memories inside his mind. Tyler can read it on his face that he comes up with nothing, far before Josh says,”No. Not really. I’m sorry.”Amnesia AU





	1. the accident

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this for my friend during my grammar lectures and i thought someone else would enjoy this too.
> 
> timeline-wise this is ambiguous.
> 
> i'll be posting parts 2 and 3 once i have proofread them.
> 
> title from 'stop crying your heart out' by oasis

Tyler Joseph gets a phone call from an unknown number right in the middle of a grocery store.

To be frank, he wasn’t supposed to leave Josh’s place, but his friend had taken already three hours running his errands, and Tyler had started to feel hungry. He and Josh had agreed on ordering a pizza when Josh returned, but Tyler decided Josh wouldn’t mind him grabbing a snack without him.  
Although he did feel kind of bad. Before leaving, Josh had told him, ”Don’t get any funny ideas while I’m gone.” Then he had kissed Tyler’s forehead. Tyler tries not to think about it to deeply.

He’s deciding between different kinds of sandwiches, when his phone starts to blast loudly in his pocket. Tyler drops the two sandwiches he’s holding back into the cooler, and digs his phone out. The caller is probably Josh, wondering where Tyler has gone. He frowns when the caller ID claims the number unknown. He hesitates to answer. What if somebody wants to sell him something? What if somebody wants to blackmail him? What if it is a fan?

Finally, he lifts the phone to his ear. ”Tyler Joseph.”

”Hello, my name is Elizabeth Abel, I’m a paramedic. You were listed as an emergency contact in Joshua Dun’s phone, am I correct?”

Tyler drops the grocery basket, containing nothing more than a Pepsi can. An elderly lady next to him gives him a disapproving glance, but Tyler doesn’t care.

”Sir, are you still there?” the woman asks.

”Yes,” Tyler manages to say. ”Is Josh okay?” _Please tell me Josh is okay._

”There’s been an accident, sir. Joshua was hit by a car,” the woman explains calmly.

Tyler feels numb all over. His body is filled with terror. ”When? Where? Where is he? Tell me he’s fine!” he pleads.

”Calm down, sir. He’s been taken to a hospital.”

”Which hospital?”

Tyler gets the information, and then he runs.

 

\--

 

He’s out of breath when he reaches the desk. Never has Tyler broke the speeding limits as blatantly as he was rushing towards the hospital. Every red light seemed to personally mock him. He did the lousiest parking job ever, and then he flew through the hospital doors.

”Madam, my friend was taken in a while ago, please,” Tyler wheezes to the lady behind the counter. She looks over at him through her round glasses.

”His name?” She asks.

”Josh Dun,” Tyler replies immediately. The woman taps her keyboard for a while, taking her time, frustrating Tyler even more.

”He’s still in the ICU. Take the left from the lobby, and walk straight to the end of the hallway. Ask the nurse in station for more information.”

Tyler doesn’t even thank the lady. He’s already on the run again.

The room he arrives at is hectic, filled with whimpering patients and busy nurses. Nervously, Tyler approaches the counter, behind of which a nurse is hiding, a window separating them. Tyler knocks on it, and the nurse lifts her head, smiling at him. A faint pink cap is hiding most of her sandy brown hair, and her name tag states _Abby_. The name is same as Josh’s sister’s. She reaches over to pull the glass aside.

”Hello, how can I help you?” she asks in a kind voice.

”Josh Dun was brought here a while ago. I need to know if he’s okay,” Tyler tells in a small voice.

”Are you a member of his family?” Abby asks a routine question.

Tyler bites the inside of is cheek. He’s tempted to lie that Josh is his husband, or brother for that matter. But lying would eventually get him in trouble. ”I am his friend. His _best friend_. Please.”

Abby’s smile turns sympathetic. Tyler guesses she has to deal with these kind of situations all the time. ”Sorry, only immediate family allowed,” she says softly.

”Please,” Tyler says once more with a broken voice. Abby’s eyes turn even softer. She sighs, and turns to her computer.

”He’s in a critical condition. It will take some time to know whether he’s stable enough to pull through. The doctors are optimistic, and doing their best,” Abby raises her gaze to horrified Tyler. ”He’ll make it, I’m sure,” she adds.

”Oh my God,” Tyler whispers.

”There have been worse cases, and the patients have been all fine in the end.”

”But it’s Josh,” Tyler says, voice cracking, ”How could anything bad ever happen to _my_ Josh.”

Abby reaches over the counter to touch Tyler’s arm gently. ”What’s your name?”

”Tyler.”

”Tyler, alright. Tyler, what is Josh to you?”

Tyler blinks at that. ”Josh… He’s my Josh. We are sort of… colleagues.”

”Really?” Abby smiles.

”We are in a band together,” Tyler admits. ”He plays the drums. I can’t lose my drummer.” Tyler lets out a hysterical little laugh.

”No, you can’t,” says Abby sternly. ”And here’s what you’re going to do, Tyler. You’re going to go home, and you’re going to call Josh’s family and his other friends. Then you’re going to take a long shower, eat as much as you can, and try to get some sleep. In the morning, a nurse will call you about Josh’s condition and whether you can visit him after two o’clock in the afternoon. That sound okay?”

Tyler nods. He wants to cry.

”Tyler, tell me something,” Abby continues, ”Is Josh a strong person?”

”Yeah, of course. Definitely,” Tyler sniffles.

Abby offers him another smile. ”Then you must have faith in him. Josh is a fighter. He’ll pull through. He won’t leave you.”

Tyler nods. He has one more thing to ask, ”Tell me, Abby, what caused Josh’s accident?”

Abby sighs. ”I’m not sure if I’m allowed to tell you this, but I guess I could make an exception when it comes to you. It was another sad case of a drunk driver. A teenage boy, too much speed and no coordination. Josh was crossing the street, he was wearing dark clothes, but it wouldn’t have mattered if he had been wearing Christmas lights. The boy didn’t push brakes soon enough…”

”Stop it,” Tyler orders numbly. Bile rises in his throat. ”What happened to the boy?” He manages to ask.

”A nasty wound on the forehead and some bruising. He just got trashed around the car for not wearing a seatbelt. His mother was giving him a hard time here, a while ago.”

Tyler is gripping the counter, knuckles white. Probably some dumb kid named Jake or Sam or something like that had a few too much, decided to borrow his dad’s BMW and the hurt his innocent Josh, who was just on his way home to Tyler so they could have some pizza and watch a Disney movie.

Some dumb kid had ruined everything.

He feels fingers touching his hand suddenly, and meets Abby’s gaze.

”Tyler, I’m sorry. Would you give me your number, so we can be in touch with you?”

”Yeah, sure,” Tyler replies with a voice that doesn’t sound like himself at all.

 

\--

 

He does not remember the drive home. Lights become blur in his eyes, sounds mend into each other. He doesn’t feel either warm or cold. A mental image of Josh, laying bruised and broken on a sterile hospital bed tortures his mind.

As he arrives at Josh’s driveway, he wants to rush out of the car and scream his lungs out. Angrily, he punches the steering wheel instead, making the car honk in the silent night. It feels like something is squeezing his insides. He can barely breathe.

Finally, he climbs out of the car, forcing his legs to work and take him inside, out of the drizzle. It’s an ugly night. Somewhere, miles away, Josh needs Tyler and Tyler can’t be there for him. It absolutely kills Tyler.

After getting inside, he stares at his phone for a long time before calling Josh’s mother. She doesn’t answer, so Tyler leaves her a message, requesting her to return the call as soon as possible. He has a devastating conversation with Mark – Mark promises to come visit as soon as it is allowed. Tyler promises to be in touch with him the next day. He contemplates on facetiming Jenna, but drops the idea. He feels exhausted.

Tyler collapses against the wall, burying his head in his hands, taking a deep breath through his nose. _This is not happening_ , his mind screams. _I should have gone with him. I should have kept him safe._

_Why Josh? Of all people, why Joshua Dun?_

Tyler takes Abby’s advice, and takes a shower, a long and hot one. The water cannot drown him, but he hopes it could help him to get rid off the thoughts that swirl around his head. _What if Josh won’t make it?_

Frustrated with himself, Tyler hits the tiled wall. Is it really this little Tyler has faith in Josh? Josh _will_ make it, he has never disappointed Tyler, ever. Josh will be fine, end of discussion.

Tyler gets out of the shower, and crawls into bed without taking a bite. Holding his phone tightly, he falls into restless sleep.

 

\--

 

A few hours later, he wakes up to the familiar tones of his ringtone. Hands shaking, eyesight still blurry from sleep, he squints at the screen. It’s Josh’s mom. A cold feeling settles inside of Tyler, but he accepts the call. He has to.

”Hullo?” He says, tiredness clear in his raspy voice.

”Tyler? You had tried to call me? Is everything alright there?” Laura says.

”Yes,” Tyler sighs, getting into a sitting position, ”I mean no, Laura. I don’t know how to say this…”

”Tyler, has something happened? Has something happened to Josh? Are you alright? Is he alright?”

Mother’s intuition. Tyler curses it. ”No, Laura, Josh is not alright.”

He hears her gasp sharply. ”My boy? What’s happened to my boy?”

”I’m sorry,” Tyler says quietly, ”I’m so sorry, Laura. There’s been an accident.”

”An accident?”

”Josh was hit by a drunk driver.” This comes out with a small sob.

Tyler hears Laura sniffle on the other line. He feels so very helpless.

”Oh, my baby boy,” she sighs. ”How is he?”

”I don’t know yet,” Tyler admits.

”Tyler, promise to be with him. Promise, till I get there. I’m getting the plane tickets right away.”

”Absolutely,” says Tyler hoarsely.

”Good. I’m grateful he has you, Tyler.”

Tyler has nothing to say to that. He feels guilty for not being at Josh’s side that moment. He says his goodbyes to Laura. After the line quiets, the phone starts ringing again.

_Unknown number._

He almost spirals into a flashback. Last night, everything had been fine, until an unknown number had called him.

He has to pick up the call.

”Hello, it’s Tyler Joseph,” he says, masking his voice calm.

”Good morning, Mr. Joseph. My name is Melanie Allen, I’m calling from the Central Hospital on behalf of Abigail Lowell. You spoke with her last night?”

”Is this about Josh?” Tyler demands frantically.

”Yes, Mr. Joseph. Your friend Joshua Dun’s condition has been established stable, and he has been moved to section 3B. He will be in a medically induced coma for a couple of days, otherwise he will recover. You’ll get more information from the nurses of his ward. Has his family been informed of his condition?”

”Yes, I spoke with his mother this morning,” Tyler tells the nurse. ”Can I visit him today?”

_Medically induced coma._

”Yes, visiting hours are from 2PM to 7PM.”

”Section 3B?”

”That’s right.”

”Okay, thank you so much!”

”No problem. Have a pleasant day.”

_No day will ever be pleasant whilst Josh is not fine._ ”You too.”

 

\--

 

Precisely at 2PM, Tyler enters ward 3B. The section is busy with nurses, crisscrossing the passageways, pushing carts with medicine and trays of food on them. Tyler makes his way through the ruckus, finally reaching the nurses’ station.

A middle-aged nurse with short black hair is sitting there, going through some papers. Tyler knocks on the glass.

”Good afternoon, how can I help you?” she asks with a practiced smile.

”Hi, I’m looking for my friend Joshua Dun.”

”Joshua Dun…” the nurse repeats, and turns towards the computer. ”Room five,” she announces. Tyler thanks her with a nod.

The room is easy to find, but Tyler is nervous to step into it. Josh is there, he thinks. Josh is there and he is hurt. He rests his forehead against the door. Should he knock? The idea is stupid. Josh isn’t even conscious right now.

Tyler gathers all his bravery and steps in. Even though he had already known what was waiting for him in the room, shock spikes right through him.

Josh is hooked into several machines. There’s the EEG machine, which is steadily drawing mountain-like charts on the screen. There’s also a machine measuring his pulse and oxygen saturation from his index finger. Tyler sees two IVs, and a crude tube shoved down Josh’s throat. His face is bruised and swollen, but pale underneath all the injuries. Part of his hair has been shaved off, and stiches are visible.

”Oh, Josh!” Tyler gasps and rushes to his friend’s side, taking his hand and squeezing it gently. ”I’m so sorry,” he sobs, caressing the back of Josh’s hand with his thumb. Carefully, he brings up Josh’s hand and kisses his knuckles.

”You’re going to be just fine, Joshie,” he guarantees. ”Because you are a fighter.”

”I’m sorry, mister?” A voice startles him. Tyler blinks the tears from his eyes before looking up. It’s a nurse, her blonde hair in a braid, eyes sympathetic.

”Yes?” croaks Tyler. The nurse steps forward.

”I’m Helen, one of the nurses assigned to Mr. Dun. Are you his family?”

Anxious that his tears are showing, Tyler wipes cheeks with the back of his hand. ”Hi, I’m Tyler Joseph, Josh’s friend.”

”Hello, Tyler, we were actually told about you. Would you like to hear about Josh’s condition?”

”Yes, please.” Tyler doesn’t let go of Josh’s hand as Helen takes a seat at the other side of the bed. She is holding a folder, which she opens.

”Mr. Dun,” she begins.

”Josh,” Tyler corrects. Helen smiles apologetically, and starts over.

”Josh was lucky in the end. The injuries could have been far more serious, even fatal. That doesn’t mean, however, that Josh had it easy.

I’ll start with the more minor injuries. The car hit Josh’s right side 22 miles per hour speed as he was crossing the road. The hit caused minor fractures to his hipbone which will heal with time without any treatment, although sitting might be painful to him for a while.

The biggest damage was caused by the flight, which was caused by the impact. Josh hit his head quite crudely to the windshield of the car, so hard that the glass was broken. This hit caused crucial damage to his head, erupting a bleeding.”

The nurse pauses, glancing at Tyler who is staring wordlessly at nothing.

”The bleeding caused some damage in his brain, and the doctors had to conduct some emergency procedures to him. That is why he’s being kept under for couple of days, to keep the swelling at bay and make him heal.

There is, however, a variable. Because of the bleeding, an important part of his brain was severely damaged.”

”What?” Tyler yelps. ”What do you mean? Is he able to do things normally? He’s a drummer, will he be able to drum? He loves that, don’t take it away from him,” he babbles.

”Mr. Joseph, calm down,” orders Helen calmly. ”The bleeding caused major damage to his episodic and semantic memory.”

”He’s got amnesia?” Tyler was shocked. No, Josh couldn’t forget him. _He couldn’t._

”Well, sort of,” admits the nurse. ”According to his doctor his memory will most likely be patchy. We’ll know how in better detail the moment he wakes up. What we do know is that the trauma in his head usually doesn’t cause full amnesia, rather that he might not remember you, but he might remember that he is, for instance, a drummer.”

”So he doesn’t remember me?” Tyler panics. He was feeling sick, sicker than ever before.

”Not necessarily, but possibly,” says Helen sympathetically. ”As I said, we know more when he wakes up.”

Numbness fills Tyler. He stares at Josh, laying unmoving on the bed. The beeping of the machines was starting to drive him crazy. He wants to shout and scream and break stuff.

”Mr. Joseph?” asks Helen. He must have been zoning out. ”Would you like to be left alone with Josh for a while?”

Tyler doesn’t answer, but she gets the hint. He sits there until the end of the visiting hours, just staring at his sleeping friend, and holding his hand.

 

\--

 

During the days Josh remained under, he still had numerous visitors. His parents, siblings, other family members, friends, Mark… And Tyler, without a doubt, ever constant by his side. His bedside was filled with flowers, cards and stuffed toys. He was never alone, rarely even enjoying only Tyler’s company. Josh was in deep sleep but people still didn’t want him to be left alone, and Tyler was grateful. Grateful, and more exhausted than ever.

The fans didn’t know. Tyler didn’t have the time, the energy, the heart, to tell them.

The third day comes, the day Tyler had expected more than any day in his life. He is terrified and relieved at the same time. Today was the day it would be revealed whether Josh recalled him or not. In the end, he knows it doesn’t matter. He will love Josh the same – with all his heart.

The nurse Helen had told him that Josh would be woken in the morning, so that he’ll be awake during the visiting hours. Tyler is a coward, and this time he isn’t at the door the moment the clock strikes two. He’s at the hospital, of course, but hides in the cafeteria for an hour, with a cooling cup of coffee in his shaking hands. Couple of people stop to ask him if he’s okay, pointing out his paleness and nervous eyes. Tyler waves them off. He feels petrified and wants to slap himself. _What are you scared of? Josh needs you, now!_

Tyler knows very well what he is scared of. He’s scared of Josh’s eyes, and the confusion that’ll undoubtedly dawn in them. _And who are you?_

He suddenly wants to smash the coffee cup against the floor tiles. It would not ease his anger, chase away the dark thoughts, but in that particular moments it seems like the right thing to do. He restrains himself, however. Paying for the coffee cup is not the factor stopping him, but the inevitable scene he’d cause. Attention is the last thing he seeks right now.

Eventually, he gives in. The thought of Josh’s warm brown eyes open again is too alluring to him. He leaves the cup on the table, only half empty. He’s been living half a life ever since Josh was put into a coma. Now he’d get at least some of it back.

He hopes so.

Rushing upstairs, a couple of stairs at the time (the elevator was taking too long), Tyler curses himself. Leaving Josh alone at the most critical moment was utterly stupid. What if he was asking for Tyler? _He won’t remember you, dumbass_ , a voice reminds Tyler at the back of his head.

  
_Shut up!_ Tyler nearly screams back at it. He shakes his head almost violently instead, and receives weird looks from the people he passes by.

He comes close to colliding with Josh’s mother at the door of room five.

”Tyler! Where have you been?” Laura asks, voice surprised. Tyler is sure everyone in the ward can hear his heartbeat.

”Is he alone?” Tyler asks, ignoring Laura’s question.

”Right now, yes, since Jordan and Bill left about fifteen minutes ago. I was just going to grab something to eat and then return. Tyler?” Her eyes are stern, and Tyler feels ashamed.

  
”I’m sorry, Laura. I’m getting in now.”

Laura grabs his arm. ”He wasn’t alone when he woke up, you know. Jordan and I were with him. And it isn’t as bad as it seems. It really isn’t.”

Her words calm Tyler down enough so that he can enter the room without looking back.

He truly doesn’t know what he had expected. He just knows that nothing could have prepared him for the blank look Josh gives him as he notices he has gotten company. He blinks once or twice towards Tyler, probably trying to get his thoughts together, but nothing happens.

_Who is this person?_ The question hangs heavy in the air.

Josh is hooked in less machines this time. He still has his IV and saturation measurer, but the EEG mapping out his brain activity has been pushed to the corner. He’s still the same Josh, beautiful and mesmerizing, pink hair and warm eyes.

”Hello,” Tyler has to break the tense silence.

”Hey,” says Josh and Tyler almost breaks down. The illusion of normal is way too strong. He takes a shaky breath, and then a seat next to the bed. The chair is the same in which he has spent all his free time for the past three days.

”Um,” Josh says. His fingers are twitching, he’s playing with his hospital band.

It’s for the best to just rip off the band aid right away, so Tyler asks,

”Do you know who I am?”

Josh scrunches up his nose. The gesture is adorable, but that is not the thing to focus on. Josh stares blankly ahead, like he is playing memories inside his mind. Tyler can read it on his face that he comes up with nothing, far before Josh says,

”No. Not really. I’m sorry.”

_Nothing new. You had this coming_ , Tyler reminds himself. It still hurts.

”That’s okay, Josh.” Tyler says hoarsely. To his own ears he sounds… dead inside.

”The doctor told me to remain optimistic,” Josh smiles. ”My memories will most likely return.”

”That’s good.” Smiling comes hard for Tyler.

”It’s funny,” Josh chuckles. ”I remember some things. Like that I’m a drummer. I also remember this other… presence on the stage. You’re Tyler, right?”

”Yes,” says Tyler, confused.

”My mom told me about you. She said we are a two-person band. I sort of remember that. Where were you?”

”I- I-” _What’s your excuse, Tyler?_ ”I was having a coffee,” he finishes off lamely.

”Oh. Something to keep you awake?”

Tyler hadn’t been sleeping much for a few nights, so he takes the excuse. ”Something like that.”

”My mom says you are my best friend.”

”I am. I was.”

 

\--

 

Because Josh truly has lost all his memories of Tyler, Tyler sees no choice but to flee the minute Laura enters the room again. Josh is cheery for a person who has just undergone a brain trauma, smiles and all. He is so typically _Josh_ that Tyler’s brain short-circuits. He excuses himself before hitting the road.

Worst of all, he’s still residing in Josh’s apartment, surrounded by all things _Josh_. Or at least by all things that used to be Josh.

Tyler collapses on the couch and wails out loud, covering his face with his hands. From between his fingers, his eyes notice a tambourine on the coffee table. He acts on a sudden urge and grabs it, putting all his strength into tossing it. The innocent instrument hits the side of the television, knocking it askew. Tears are streaming down Tyler’s face.

_I am. I was._

Can he call Josh his best friend anymore when Josh just recognizes the vague presence of him?

  
_That is still something_ , a kind voice reminds Tyler.

_Shut up_ , Tyler silences it.

He regrets leaving. Josh has done nothing wrong. But he is too much a coward to return today.

Tomorrow is always a new, better day.

 

\--

 

The sheer recognition in Josh’s eyes the next day hurts Tyler’s heart.

”Hi, Tyler!” He greets. ”Come sit down.” He gestures towards the empty chair. Tyler knows Mark has left just minutes before.

”You left so suddenly yesterday,” Josh says.

”Sorry,” mutters Tyler meekly. ”I had some errands to run.”

”It’s alright. I’m not expecting everyone to stand in watch all the time.”

_Before you forgot me, I never left your side._

”I’ve been flexing my memory today,” Josh tells him. ”I even remembered Mark!”

”You did?” Tyler ought to be happy, but jealousy stabs him instead.

”Yeah, mainly his camera, though… I’ve also been remembering songs.”

”Like?” The word slips out Tyler’s mouth.

”This one strange one. I think it goes like this.” And the he starts to _sing_.

_”I need to know that when I fail you’ll still be here,_  
_Cause if you stick around I’ll sing you pretty sounds,_  
_And we’ll make money selling your hair._

_I don’t care what’s in your hair,_  
_I just wanna know what’s on your mind,_  
_I used to say, "I wanna die before I’m old,"_  
_But because of you I might think twice.”_

The thing is, Tyler has always loved Josh’s singing voice. But this version of Josh, singing the song Tyler wrote about _Tyler’s_ version of Josh, nearly breaks him.

”Are you okay, Tyler?” Josh asks.

”That all you remember, Joshie?”

”Well, pretty much. What about it?”

”Well, it’s one of _our_ songs?”

”What do you mean… oh.” Tyler can see it dawning on Josh.

”But I am the drummer. Do I usually remember the lyrics to our songs?”

Tyler has to chuckle at that, too many warm memories. ”No, you’re usually lousier at it.” _That song is special, though._ Josh laughs. It’s music to Tyler’s ears

”According to the doctors they are letting me out in a few if everything goes well. The best thing for my memory is to be in a familiar environment. My mom says you have been taking care of my place. Thank you for that.”

”You’re welcome, I guess.”

”Hey, when I get home maybe you could show me some videos about the band? To jog some memories?”

”Sure. I would love to.”

 

\--

 

It’s day six, and the doctors finally have deemed Josh well enough to go home. Tyler has spent the noon cleaning up the flat frantically. For the past week and a half, Tyler has let the dust collect and the packages of the fast food he had consumed are lying around. Now the flat is actually somewhat clean so that Tyler can bring Josh there.

Tomorrow.

And because Tyler likes to torture himself, he has promised to stay with Josh and help with his healing process. He has suffer through all the questions and confusion, but it would be worth it. Josh is worth it.

It’s already half past two when Tyler parks at the hospital’s parking lot. After the first shocks, he had fell into the same old routine and had been there for Josh from two to seven, every day. He can’t lie that it hadn’t been awkward, but he thinks he is forming a some kind of bond with Josh… again.

As he enters the hospital lobby with fast paced steps, something catches his eye, stopping him in his tracks.

They are selling flowers at the hospital’s gift shop.

Tyler has passed that particular shop every day, always in a hurry not to miss a second by Josh’s side. Today, he stops and stares at the roses. There are many different colored bouquets to choose from – passionate red, shy pink, meek peach and even blue, like Josh’s hair a few years ago. Tyler likes the yellow ones with red tips the best, and hurriedly pays the cashier with cash, leaving with the flowers in his arms.

”Tyler!” An oddly familiar voice calls him as he is marching towards the elevators.

”Abby?” He says as he turns around, facing the nurse he had talk to on the night of Josh’s accident. Her eyes are bright and mouth turned towards a smile.

”Tyler, how are you?”

”I’m good, thanks for asking. Visiting Josh.” He waves the rose bouquet.

”Yes, I heard he is awake!”

”He is, but he has some memory issues.”

”Oh.” Abby looks genuinely apologetic. ”I’m sure he’ll overcome them.”

”Let’s hope so.”

”Actually, I’ve been hoping to run into you,” Abby continues, angling something from the large handbag she is carrying. It seems like her shift has just ended. ”I researched your band online.”

”Oh.”

”Yeah, great tunes. My niece is actually a fan.”

”That is nice to hear.”

She digs out _Vessel_ and hands it towards Tyler with a marker. ”She was hoping for an autograph.”

”That can be arranged,” Tyler laughs. He shifts the flowers so that they are resting on the crook of his elbow, and takes the CD and the marker. Then a thought hits him. ”Do want me to get Josh to sign it as well?”

Abby’s eyes widen. ”That would be super! If you don’t mind…”

”Not at all. What’s her name?”

”Rebecca. Just leave the signed CD at the nurse’s station in Josh’s ward. You can keep the marker. I have to catch my bus now.” She waves at Tyler, and skips away. Tyler continues his trek to the ward 3B.

”I was beginning to think you weren’t coming today,” Josh jokes as Tyler enters the room.

”Sorry,” he says. He puts the flowers and Vessel on the side table, and picks up an empty vase. He walks over to the sink to fill it. ”I ran into an acquaintance.”

”That’s fine, Tyler. You need to have a life.”

Josh’s eyes brighten as Tyler places the vase with flowers on the table next to him.

”You brought me flowers?”

Tyler rolls his eyes, but can’t deny the blush creeping up his face.

”There were more flowers for you earlier, but they all died before you woke up,” Tyler explains.

”Sad.” Josh eyes the CD curiously. ”What is that?”

”This, my friend, is one of the most finest records ever created,” Tyler brags, handing the CD over to Josh. Josh’s face is curious as he accepts it. He flips it over, to inspect the track list.

”Ode to Sleep, Holding onto You… I remember these titles, somehow,” Josh says fondly. His eyes are bright, and Tyler adores the look.

”Really?” he smiles, watching Josh fond over the record.

”Yeah. How many albums do we have, again?”

”Well, four. You weren’t in the band when the first album was made, though.”

”Oh. And this one is?”

”Right, it’s the third one. The first one we recorded under Fueled by Ramen. It’s called Vessel.”

”I didn’t remember that,” says Josh. ”What is the fourth one called?”

”Blurryface.”

”Cool. Can we listen to this?” He waves Vessel around.

”Sure,” says Tyler. ”I bet the nurses have a CD-player. Let me go get it.”

They do, indeed, have such a thing, and soon the first notes of Ode to Sleep fill the sterile hospital room. Josh’s expression is filled with awe. Tyler thinks of Rebecca, and the fact that she will never know that once upon a time Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun listened to _her_ copy of Vessel in a dreary hospital room.

”Why didn’t you bring the other CDs?” Josh inquires.

”Oh, right!” Tyler says as the Tyler on the radio starts to sing _I’m taking over my body…_ ”The CD isn’t mine.”

”It isn’t?”

”No, it is a fan’s.”

”Fan’s?”

”Yes, one nurse I talked to has a niece who listens to our music. She wanted this autographed.”  
Tyler picks Vessel from Josh’s hands.

”For the niece?”

”Yes.” Tyler opens the case and takes out the booklet. ”Would you like to sign it?” he asks. Josh immediately grabs the marker Tyler is offering.

”Of course,” he says with a smile. He’s still the same Josh, and something squeezes Tyler’s heart.

Tyler slides the booklet across the small meal table attached to Josh’s bed, and watches nervously as Josh chooses a blank place to sign. He picks up the marker, and scrawls his name sloppily across the top of the picture. Then he smiles at Tyler and hands the booklet and the marker back to him.  
Tyler shifts the leaflet and signs his name from the bottom towards the top. On top of it, he writes: _To Rebecca ♡ tøp |-/_

Josh eyes the text curiously. ”What does that mean?”

”Rebecca is the girl this album belongs to.”

”Yes, I figured that. What’s the symbol?”

”Sort of our logo,” Tyler says.

”Okay…” Josh sighs.

”You’ll get to it, Joshua.” Both of their smiles are painful.

”Why the line across the letter o?”

”It’s just a thing of ours. A choice of style.”

”That’s a Norwegian letter, I think. I think it’s pronounced a bit differently.”

”I’ve heard it.” Tyler giggles. ”Jøshua Dun.”

Josh rolls his eyes. House of Gold plays quietly in the background.

Tyler stares at the booklet, and their autographs adorning it. How many times has Tyler seen them, side by side on numerous album covers, posters, pictures, even train tickets. His own signature looks like a mess of lines, leaning right. It looks more like someone had just tested out the marker.  
Tyler has always liked Josh’s signature. Who is he kidding, he likes every aspect of Josh. His signature is clear and simple, and his D looks more like a T. It is the same signature, a bit wobblier. But the same, still, Rebecca will have no doubts.

He smiles and looks at Josh, who looks to be somewhere far away, humming softly to Car Radio. He doesn’t seem to notice the desperateness of the song, the sad vibes, the certain emptiness. Or maybe Josh knows the song he has played thousands of times before. The song they have performed to hundreds of screaming audiences. How many times exactly has Josh watched Tyler climb the ladder to sway on the platform high above the crowd? Does this Josh remember?

  
_You scare me sometimes, when you climb and stand there alone like nothing can stop you,_ had Josh quietly confessed one time, several months ago.

_I’m sorry, I don’t mean to. I’ll be fine,_ had Tyler answered. He’d never do anything reckless while Josh is watching. That would only hurt Josh and that is the last thing Tyler wants to do.

_And now I just sit in silence…_

The lyrics fit the atmosphere, since suddenly both of them are left speechless, alone with their thoughts. They are interrupted by a practiced cough.

A boy is standing in the doorway. A stranger, and Tyler is in no mood for letting a stranger near his Josh.

He’s a young boy, still in his teenage years with baby fat still on his face, but eyes filled with remorse. His mousy brown hair is falling to his face covered with fading bruises. He looks like he needs a good night’s sleep.

He also eerily reminds Tyler of himself.

”How can we help you?” asks the sunshine also known as Josh Dun.

_He would look beautiful with yellow hair,_ Tyler muses, eyeing Josh briefly.

He snaps out of it to stare at the stranger. The boy is shuffling nervously towards them.  
”Um, hi,” he greets them.

”Hi,” answer Tyler and Josh in unison, Josh smiling, Tyler frowning.

The boy takes a deep breath. ”I’ve come to apologize,” he says, not meeting their eyes.

”Apologize?” questions Josh.

”Yeah,” the boy rubs the back of his neck, still eyeing the floor, ”I’m the one who hit you. With the car. I’m sorry.”

”You’re sorry?” Tyler barks. The boy flinches and takes a step back.

”Tyler,” Josh hisses, ”It’s okay,” he assures the boy.

”No, it’s _not_ okay!” Tyler cries.

”Look,” the boy says desperately. He’s just a kid, really. ”I made a huge mistake that can’t be undone.”

”Mistake?” scoffs Tyler. ”All I know is that you made a conscious decision to get behind the wheel a few drinks in, and you endangered my _best friend’s life._ You do know he’s not getting away with this with just a few bruises, like you? You do know that now he doesn’t even remember me?”

”Ty-” Josh tries to interrupt, but the boy, eyes shining with tears, gets to speak first,

”I’m sorry, I truly am. I know it was an idiotic thing to do. My father said I should come and apologize. Face you.”

”Your father must be real proud,” says Tyler, his voice full of venom.

”It’s okay,” Josh says softly. He has always been too kind-hearted for this world. He really shouldn’t forgive the guy who put his life in danger, who put him in a hospital bed, who caused his amnesia.

  
He really shouldn’t, but despite everything, he is. There’s no vehemence in his warm brown eyes.

Tyler can’t stand it. ”You really have the nerve,” he says to the boy, barely audible. He sees red, and only red. His world is painted with screaming scarlet.

And suddenly someone appears next to the boy, a short and stocky woman with auburn hair.

”Bryan!” she hisses. ”I told you not to do this!”

”But father…” argues Bryan.

”Nevermind what your father says!” the mother says sharply to her humiliated son. She glances shortly towards Tyler and Josh, but her gaze is hard to read. She whispers something to her son and turns him away at the door. A nurse enters the room at the same time. She glances at the mother and son.

To the brief silence of the room, the Tyler Joseph on the radio sings, _I’m twisted up, I’m twisted up inside._

”We were just leaving,” the mother assures the nurse, guiding Bryan away. Tyler hopes he never sees him again.

The nurse turns towards Tyler and Josh. ”I think it’s time for Mr. Joseph to leave.”

Tyler stands up, making the chair screech against the floor. He walks over to the radio, yanks the CD out without stopping the player. He puts the CD and the booklet back inside the case, and then gives it to the nurse.

”Make sure Abigail gets this,” he says, voice numb.

He can’t resist one last glance toward Josh. Josh’s eyes are so confused that it shatters Tyler’s heart.


	2. the aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> josh pov

They stop in front of a familiar house, on a familiar driveway. There’s already a car parked in front of them, and Josh stares at it, knowing in the back of his mind who it belongs to. He seems to know a lot of things only in the back of his mind, as soft and gentle whispers. Up to a certain point, he remembers everything. Then only bits and pieces, here and there.

”You good?” Jordan asks. He’s been kind enough to drive Josh home from the hospital after Tyler bailed out on him. He hasn’t heard from his friend since yesterday when he stomped away from the hospital room.

”Yeah, fine,” Josh has to answer. ”You sure Tyler’s in there?” Josh eyes the house. He has his doubts. He remembers buying the flat, moving in it, living in it. That’s about it.

”Well, he answered my text that he is. Don’t worry, big brother. Tyler cares about you.”

Josh wishes he could care about Tyler, too. He doesn’t remember. The other Josh did, and Josh envies him. Tyler seems nice. Unpredictable, but nice. He also has to be talented. Josh had heard it from the songs, and he knows that he wouldn’t agree to be just _anyone’s_ drummer.

He sighs, and leans against the dashboard.

”It’ll get better, Josh,” Jordan comforts.

”When?” Josh allows himself to whine. So far, he hasn’t let pessimism get to him, but there are always those times.

”With time,” Jordan shrugs. Josh snorts.

”When did you get so vaguely wise, little brother?”

Jordan shoves Josh’s shoulder playfully. ”Let’s get inside.”

They find Tyler in the arms of a long-legged blonde. They step back from each other as they notice the brothers.

”Hi!” Jordan says. Tyler offers a half-attempted smile. He looks miserable, and Josh feels bad because of it.

”Hello,” the woman says. She’s got bright blue eyes and bangs that frame her face nicely.

”Jenny?” Josh asks.

”Jenna,” she laughs. And that’s about everything Josh remembers.

”Jenna was just leaving,” says Tyler, ”Thank you for stopping by,” he says to Jenna.

”You’re welcome,” Jenna answers and kisses Tyler’s cheek. Then she approaches Josh and gives him a hug. Josh pats her back awkwardly, and watches Tyler over her shoulder. Tyler’s eyes are glistening.

”It’ll be alright,” Jenna says to Josh and touches his face briefly. Her words are comforting.

”Jordan, would you mind dropping me off at the hotel?” she asks Josh’s brother.

”Sure,” says Jordan and they leave together after Jordan promises to call Josh in the evening.

Josh and Tyler are left alone.

”Thanks for keeping this place warm for me,” Josh breaks the awkward silence.

”Any time.”

Josh shuffles closer to Tyler. ”So, Jenna? She seems nice.”

”You almost remembered her name,” Tyler points out.

”Almost. Is she your girlfriend?”

Something flashes in Tyler’s eyes. He scratches the back of his head.

”She used to be,” Tyler answers, ”Hasn’t been for a while, though.”

”Sorry about that. Must be awkward.”

”Not the slightest. She’s one of my best friends. Sometimes things work out just fine.”

Josh is only half-listening to him, since he has noticed something on the living room table – a bouquet of roses.

He picks up one rose from the vase. It’s half red, half yellow.

While caressing the petals of the rose, he feels Tyler’s presence coming closer to him, his breath almost on his neck. He closes his eyes and shivers. Everything feels so _familiar._

”Is there someone? In my life, I mean?” Josh doesn’t know what prompted the question. Maybe the earlier conversation about Jenna.

”Not that I know,” says Tyler quietly.

”The roses?”

”From me. Remember when I brought you them in the hospital?”

Josh opens his eyes and puts the flower back in the vase. He turns around, and finds Tyler closer to him than he had thought. Tyler averts his gaze and takes a step back.

”Thanks,” Josh whispers, inspecting Tyler. _He has beautiful eyes._ But that is just an observation.

”Has there been anyone since Debby?” Josh remembers Debby. She was sweet but they weren’t enough for each other.

Tyler’s eyes are wide. He looks like a deer in the headlights. ”No,” he says, then swallows. He’s holding something in his hand.

”Is that my phone?” Josh asks.

”Yeah,” Tyler breathes, ”It survived the collision.”

To that, Josh flinches and the automatic reaction of Tyler’s body seems to be to mimic him.

”Josh, I’m sorry if hearing about the accident upsets you.” Tyler’s hand, the one that isn’t holding the phone, is drumming against his thigh, almost as if it would like to do something else instead.

”I don’t remember the accident,” Josh admits.

”Good,” says Tyler harshly, ”I hope you never will.” He hands Josh the phone and turns around, walking towards the kitchen. ”I’m making us dinner.”

 

\--

 

Josh has a scheduled doctor’s appointment at the end of the week, but before that he has to spend a few days at home. Tyler never leaves, and Josh doesn’t know what to think of him. They don’t talk much: Tyler wallows in misery, Josh in confusion. The orbit around each other like satellites on different missions.

The apartment is not foreign to Josh. He knows every corner and cupboard, which power sockets work, where are his important documents, his CDs, his clothes. He knows how he arranges his food in the fridge, but he doesn’t need to think about the food since Tyler takes care of it for him.

He absolutely hates everything. He’s tingling to get to know Tyler. He hopes the Tyler from the hospital would come back. Not the Tyler who spoke with an icy voice to the boy who had made a mistake. It’s the Tyler who smiled and listened to _Vessel_ with him whom he misses. The Tyler who made him feel better, made him believe in recovery, made him truly want it.

On Friday morning, Josh skips the stairs down and finds Tyler already seated in the living room with a cup of coffee in his hand.

”Good morning,” Josh says. Tyler lifts his head. His eyes are tired. He takes a sip of coffee before murmuring back,

”Morning.”

”Slept well?” Josh asks out of habit, although it is clear that Tyler did not.

Tyler only hums absentmindedly.

”I have the appointment today,” Josh mentions and drops to sit beside Tyler on the couch.

”You do?” Tyler says, still not looking at Josh, ”What’s going to happen?”

Josh shrugs. ”Just a routine check. To see if everything’s still in order here.” He taps his forehead.

”Still no memories?” asks Tyler quietly. He knows the answer is negative.

”A work in progress,” says Josh gently.

They fall into silence. Birds are singing outside, and Tyler moves the spoon around in his coffee cup, making it jingle.

”Listen, Tyler,” Josh has to say, ”We’ve been living like zombies these past days.”

Tyler lifts a brow.

”It’s time we do something. We can’t just keep ignoring each other.”

”What do you want us to do?”

”We should rehearse, I don’t know.”

”Rehearse?”

”Yeah, for the tour?”

”The tour?”

”The American leg starts soon. I still don’t recall all the songs. I need to get in shape so the fans don’t notice.” He chuckles.

Tyler is gaping at Josh.

”What?” Josh asks.

”You remember the tour?”

”Yeah. Mostly.”

Tyler swallows visibly. ”Listen, Josh.”

”What?”

”There isn’t going to be a tour.”

”Did we cancel it?” Josh frowns.

”I did,” Tyler admits. He’s shaking nervously. ”Yesterday.”

”You canceled the tour yesterday?” Josh repeats, baffled. ”Why?”

Tyler lets out a frustrated sound. ”Because you’re not well, Josh!” He glances at Josh with stern eyes.

”So I have some memory issues, and you decide it is worth it to disappoint all our fans by depriving them of the concerts they’ve been looking forward to?” Josh huffs. He cannot believe Tyler has the _nerve._

”There’ll be other concerts… When you… When you’re…”

”When I remember something? Tyler, I have not forgotten how to drum! I can learn the songs I don’t remember!” Josh says, making frustrated gestures with his hands.

”When you’re well enough!” Tyler says, raising his voice. ”You’re not well enough, Josh.”

”I’m fine,” Josh claims. A headache is pounding his temples.

”Josh,” Tyler says softly.

”I don’t want to disappoint our fans. I don’t want to disappoint you.”

”You’re not disappointing anyone,” Tyler assures, taking Josh’s hand. Josh flinches away, and hurt flashes in Tyler’s eyes.

”Put the tour back on,” Josh commands with chilly voice, but Tyler just shakes his head.

”I already told the fans,” Tyler says, ”Don’t worry, they are very understanding. They love you, Josh. They want what’s best for you.”

”But I’m just a drummer,” Josh says, ”At least go without me.”

Hollow laughter fills the room. It’s takes a second for Josh to realize it’s coming from Tyler.

”You don’t understand,” Tyler says, ”There’s no Twenty One Pilots without you. I can’t go alone. Then it’d just be Tyler Joseph – a messed up guy with his annoying ukulele.”

”It’d still be something,” says Josh quietly.

The coffee cup is set on the table, and then Tyler takes Josh’s hands, both of them, and this time Josh lets him. ”No, Josh, no. There’s nothing we can do now. The label knows, the press knows, the fans know. I’ve tweeted about it. The tour is off, full stop.”

Josh stares at their joined hands. Tyler’s thumbs are stroking the backs of his hands. Josh is pissed. He yanks his hands out of Tyler’s and stands up.

”I’m going to grab something to eat, and then you’ll drive me to the hospital.”

”Josh,” Tyler calls after him, ”We can still rehearse, if you want to.”

Josh doesn’t answer him.

 

\--

 

At the hospital, Tyler follows Josh into the waiting room, like a shadow who doesn’t leave him alone. They sit side by side, waiting for the doctor to call for Josh. Tyler’s on his phone, Josh can see he’s scrolling through Instagram, liking random pictures. Josh’s Instagram hasn’t been updated in weeks. He hasn’t figured out the passcode for his phone. He’s tried every date he could come up with, but nothing has worked.

Asking Tyler would probably solve the issue. Tyler knows a lot of things about Josh, but Josh is determined to remember himself.

”Joshua Dun,” the doctor calls from the room. Josh and Tyler stand up, but without looking at Tyler, Josh pushes him back.

”You stay here.”

Josh follows the doctor into the room. He closes the door behind them, and tries to forget Tyler, who is left standing confused in the waiting room with wide eyes, like a small and helpless fawn.

”Good morning, Joshua. Please take a seat,” Doctor Luna says. The hideous orange chair looks uninviting, but Josh obeys his doctor. Doctor Luna himself is already sitting hunched behind his desk, looking intensely at the computer screen.

”So, how are you?” he begins with a routine question, not looking up. Josh takes a long breath through his nose.

”I’m good.”

”Is your injury causing you any trouble? Beside the memory loss? Don’t forget you also have a fractured hipbone. Does sitting hurt?”

”No,” Josh answers, ”I’ve been taking painkillers because of the headaches.”

”What kind of headache are you experiencing?”

Like a reflex, Josh lifts this fingers to his temples. ”It’s like throbbing here.”

Doctor Luna hums as he takes notes. ”I don’t think it’s anything serious. Are you having other symptoms? Tiredness, nausea?”

”I get exhausted pretty fast, yeah.”

”That is also normal,” Doctor Luna assures, ”You are in the middle of a healing process.”

Josh nods and continues to pick his hangnails.

”So, there’s something you must want to discuss. The memories.”

”I still don’t remember anything,” Josh sighs.

”What _do_ you remember?” Doctor Luna’s eyes are sharp. He’s playing with his pen.

”A lot of things,” Josh shrugs, ”But not enough. Like, I remember my family and childhood up to high school graduation or so, and I remember working somewhere with this guy… Cal? Chase? Chris? I remember being a drummer and touring. I remember my ex and my friend Mark and my friend’s ex Jenna. But I don’t remember Tyler.”

”Tyler?”

”Tyler is my bandmate and best friend. He’s been staying with me.”

”That’s good, Josh. You need constant support.”

Josh shrugs. ”But it irks me so much that I don’t remember him at all. I only recall that there was another person in the band. That’s Tyler. Everything else is blank.”

”That’s unfortunate,” says Doctor Luna, deep in thought.

“Tyler is the key,” Josh explains impatiently, ”He’s somehow connected to every part of my life. I feel like everything will work out once I know him. Once I remember him.”

He looks at Doctor Luna with pleading eyes.

”You just need more time,” Doctor Luna says.

”Time isn’t enough. Is there anything else you can do? Medication, surgery?”

Doctor Luna rubs his forehead. ”Joshua, no. Amnesia is always a tricky case. Only time will medicate it. And surgery is out of question, it would just make everything worse. You have to be patient. One thing you can always do is to chase the memories. Ask Tyler to tell you stories, show pictures. You said you are in a band together?”

Josh nods at this.

”Listen to the music, watch some interviews, if you have had any. It’ll all come back to you. These kind of injuries are prone to heal.”

”Tyler thinks I should not be touring. He’s cancelled the concerts.”

To this, Doctor Luna lifts a brow. ”He’s not wrong, Joshua.”

”But the fans…”

”True fans will understand.”

”They’ll still be disappointed. I really think I can manage the tour.”

”I don’t think you do,” Doctor Luna sighs and leans forward. ”You have prescribed sick leave for six months. Touring is part of your job and you have a valid, legal excuse for restrain from it. Any kind of work, whether it’d be plain office job, or touring, like in your case, is not recommended for you. Tyler is right. Drumming is off limits. You don’t know what stress can do to you, Joshua. Touring could make everything worse.”

They talk about the situation a while longer and agree on a next appointment in a couple of weeks. Before that Josh is to have his brain scanned so that Doctor Luna can see if there has been any physical changes.

Tyler is smiling when Josh returns to the waiting room. For anyone else, the smile would be a normal happy smile with a hint of hopefulness, but Josh somehow knows this is not what Tyler’s smile should look like, and he hasn’t even seen Tyler smiling that much during the days he has spent with him.

”Mark texted me,” Tyler informs, handing Josh his jacket and helping it on him. ”He’d like to grab brunch with us. You up for that?”

”Oh, yeah, sure,” Josh says, ”Where?”

”Taco Bell, of course,” Tyler smirks and Josh wonders what he’s missing here.

In the car, Tyler attacks Josh with questions. ”How was it?” he wants to know first.

Josh can only shrug. ”Okay. I’m having my brain scanned in two weeks.”

”What does that mean?” Tyler asks, glancing nervously at Josh. Josh wishes he’d keep his eyes on the road. He really doesn’t need another car accident on top of everything.

”Relax,” Josh says, ”It’s just MRI. Doctor Luna wants to see if there has been any physical changes.”

”Oh, okay,” Tyler says, ”He’s nice, though? Doctor Luna?”

”Oh, yeah, absolutely. He’s the best doctor I could have hoped for.” Josh _does_ like Doctor Luna, even though he had forbid touring from him. ”He agrees with you, by the way,” Josh adds.

”About what?” Tyler frowns.

”The touring,” Josh mumbles.

The corners of Tyler’s mouth twitch slightly. ”You’re not so keen, are you?” he says.

”I would love to tour.”

”Your health comes first,” Tyler says gently. ”There’s Mark.”

Mark hops into the back seat with a smile and a wave. ”What’s going on here?” he asks.

”Josh is grumpy because me and his doctor think touring isn’t the best for him,” Tyler informs.

Mark huffs, ”Well, obviously.”

”Thanks, Mark,” says Josh but he can’t resist a smile. Maybe he’ll manage, if he tries to forget about the disappointed faces of the fans. Then he winces. Perhaps _forgetting_ isn’t the best thing to do. His fans are definitely among the things he wants to keep remembering.

They find a Taco Bell, and Tyler and Mark are having a some sort of an inside joke. Josh is little taken aback, but smiles nonetheless.

”What are you having, Josh?” Mark asks as they observe the menu.

”Um,” Josh can only say. He doesn’t really remember what he likes here. He doesn’t remember Taco Bell having any special role in his life.

”I could order for you,” Tyler suggests, briefly placing his hand on Josh’s shoulder.

”Order for me too!” Mark says. ”Josh and I go find a table.”

They squeeze into a booth in the corner and soon Tyler joins them with the food and drinks. Josh likes the meal Tyler has chosen for him. The three of them eat together in silence. Josh listens to the pop songs on the radio. Some he recognizes, some he doesn’t. But that would be the case in anyway, amnesia or not.

They are just finishing off, Tyler slurping his cola absentmindedly and Mark playing some game on his phone, when a small and shy girl approaches them.

Immediately, Tyler drops his almost empty drink on the tray and turns towards the girl, smiling. Do they know her?

”Hello,” Tyler greets her warmly.

”Hi,” the girl breathes. She can’t be older than thirteen. She has big dark eyes and messy hair that is half brown, half red. She’s wearing fingerless gloves, and yes, a Twenty One Pilots t-shirt. She’s not looking at Tyler, she’s looking at Josh and her eyes are filling with tears. Josh suddenly feels self-conscious, about his unkempt hair, the ugly half-healed wound on his head, taco crumbs on his wrinkled shirt. He glances at Tyler, who looks _very_ tired. Mark is looking out of the window.

The girl can’t get a word out of her mouth. Josh can’t blame her, he often feels the same. She just stares with those big eyes of hers, until Tyler reaches over to touch her shoulder gently. ”Is there something you’d like to say to Josh?” he asks.

”Is he okay?” she asks shyly, her eyes not leaving Josh.

”I’m fine,” Josh answers on his own. The girl blinks rapidly, and a tear escapes her eye when her gaze lands on Josh’s wound.

”I’m glad,” she whispers.

”What’s your name?” Tyler asks.

”Anna,” she whispers.

”Would you like a picture, Anna? If that’s okay with Josh?”

It’s okay with Josh, and soon he finds himself smiling awkwardly for the camera next to Anna and Tyler, as Mark takes the picture. Anna is squeezing Josh’s hand. Suddenly he remembers hundreds of similar situations, and smiles a little easier.

Anna leaves them after two awkward hugs. Josh stares after her long after she’s gone.

”She was sweet,” he ponders.

A smile tugs at Tyler’s lips. ”They all are,” he says.

 

\--

 

A few days later Josh and Tyler are sitting in the living room, side by side on the couch. Tyler is scribbling something on his notepad, but Josh is trying to concentrate on The X-Files episode they’re supposed to be watching. Regardless of his slight memory loss, he still recalls most of Mulder and Scully’s adventures.

Mulder is just explaining Scully his theory about the case, when Tyler’s phone buzzes again.

”Who’s texting you?” Josh asks. Tyler’s phone has been making noises for a while.

”Jenna,” Tyler answers. Josh hasn’t seen Jenna since the day he arrived from the hospital.

”How is she?” Josh asks.

”She’s as good as ever,” comes Tyler’s reply.

Josh has now lost his interest in Mulder and Scully, and stares at Tyler who’s typing her a response.

”Say hi from me,” Josh finds himself saying.

”I’ll do that,” says Tyler.

Speaking of phones. ”Tyler,” Josh says slowly.

”Yes,” Tyler answers, still looking at his phone.

”I still haven’t figured out my passcode.”

Tyler lifts a brow.

”For my phone,” Josh clears.

”Oh. You should’ve just asked. It’s 4321.”

Josh almost curses as he sprints up. He really _should’ve_ just asked. And the code was that simple.

”Hey, are you still watching the show?” Tyler calls after him, but Josh is already halfway up the stairs.

He slips into his room and goes straight to the nightstand, opening the first drawer and fetching his phone. As he punches in the code, he thinks he really ought to ask Tyler about his computer password, too. Do they share everything?

Josh has seen he palm trees of his lock screen way too many times, but now he freezes as he takes a look of his actual wallpaper.

He doesn’t know what he had expected, but certainly not this. It’s a picture of him and Tyler, except it is cropped so that only half of his own face is showing. He’s smiling, laughter lines and all, and so is Tyler, hiding half his face behind a soda cup.

Throwing himself lying on the half-made bed, Josh continues staring at the black and white image. It’s quite endearing, but Josh still wonders why he has chosen that picture as his background. He knows Tyler is close to him, he even has the dude’s name tattooed on his thigh, which is really odd. He really needs to hear that story, someday ‒ or better, remember.

He wishes he could be the happy smiling Josh from the picture.

The phone is blown up with notifications. He quickly goes through some apps to get rid off them. He likes a few Instagram photos, and then opens Twitter.

His thumb hovers over the keys as he thinks of what to announce to the world. He wants to sincerely apologize but finally decides on a lighter message.

_Finally managed to hack into my phone! Thanks @tylerrjoseph_

He freezes again. He has just typed in the correct username, two r’s and all. His heart starts to hammer. Did he actually remember, or was that just his muscle memory?

He presses ’send’ and the tweet is put out to the world, after weeks of silence. Josh sighs, and closes the app. He’s probably sent their fans screaming.

Tyler’s eyes smile at him from the screen. Josh smiles back, fondly.

Josh opens his contacts and scrolls through the names, hoping some of them would trigger some memories. Most of the names remain foreign to him, but he, of course, recognizes some. _Mom, Dad, Jordan, Abby, Ashley, Mark, Michael, Debby, Jenna…_

He has no idea who, for example, _Hayley, Brendon, Pete_ and _Zack_ are.

Then there’s of course _Tyler._ Josh taps the name and opens their messages.

**Tyler 19:37**

_just giving you a heads up that i’ve gone to pick us something to snack_

**Tyler 19:38**

_so don’t freak out if you don’t find me in the flat_

**Tyler 19:44**

_also don’t start big hero 6 without me_

Josh doesn’t realize he’s crying until a tear drops on the screen. He rubs his eyes vigorously and presses the phone against his heart, trying to breathe. It breaks his heart that Tyler never got a reply to these messages. Josh wants to type out one now, assure Tyler that he’s back and they can start watching Big Hero 6 now.

Actually, he doesn’t remember if he’s seen Big Hero 6 at all. It’s a Disney movie, that he knows, about superheroes and stuff with that big white mascot, but that’s about it.

He gets an idea. He’ll go downstairs, right now, and he and Tyler watch Big Hero 6 together like they were supposed to.

After shoving the phone into his pocket, Josh sprints up from the bed. He checks himself first from the mirror – making sure it isn’t evident from his face that he had just cried.

Slowly, he takes the creaking stairs downstairs, only to be faced by insanely beautiful music coming from direction of the living room.

_Tyler._ He had brought a synthesizer over just a few days ago, but hasn’t yet played it in Josh’s presence. Mesmerized, Josh stops in the middle of the stairs and keeps listening. He doesn’t recognize the melody, but it’s pretty.

Then another song starts to play, just simple piano chords that Tyler makes sound so phenomenal. It feels like the music slithers between Josh’s ribs, and raises goosebumps on his skin. He shivers and his breath hitches, when Tyler starts to sing,

_I wanna fall inside your ghost_

_And fill up every hole inside my mind_

_And I want everyone to know_

_That I am half a soul divided_

His voice is so clear and raw and honest. It’s absolutely stunning, leaving Josh astonished. The words seem to seep under his skin.

_Sometimes we will die and sometimes we will fly away_

_Either way you're by my side until my dying days_

_And if I'm not there and I'm far away_

_I said, "Don't be afraid."_

_I said, "Don't be afraid. We're going home."_

Once more, Josh has to wipe the wet of tears from his face. He likes to believe that Tyler is singing _to him_ , but no. He’s probably just rehearsing.

Josh needs to get better soon so they can continue being Twenty One Pilots. He needs to remember.

He turns around and quietly makes his way back upstairs. He spends the rest of the night scrolling through his camera roll, looking at pictures of two happy boys.

_And I said, "Don't be afraid."_

_\--_

 

At the time of the MRI Josh is feeling positive. He has recalled bits and pieces here and there. He still doesn’t remember Tyler, but he has memories that include Tyler. Well, at least they should, but Tyler or Mark usually have to fill in some vital Tyler-related information central to the memories. Josh knows Tyler is hurt and Josh is thus hurt in turn.

He isn’t that keen on getting into that machine and spending around 40 minutes there, but the nurse assures him that he can listen to music while he’s in there. Josh puts on _Blurryface._ It’s a masterpiece.

He’ll be back next week for the appointment with Doctor Luna. Josh gets into his car and puts on a generic pop channel. Enough Twenty One Pilots for today, except the channel soon starts to blast out _Stressed Out._ Josh hums along. He actually remembers the recording of the song. But no Tyler.

There’s another car on the driveway, but Josh isn’t bothered by that. He gets to know (again) more and more people each day. The other day he actually met Fall Out Boy. Apparently they are friends, and the Pete on Josh’s phone is actually Pete _Wentz._

In his living room, he finds Tyler with another man. They are playing Mario Kart and bantering. The stranger spots Josh at the doorway first.

”Hey, bro. Josh is here!” he says with a familiar smile.

”Hi,” Josh says. Tyler turns around and smiles.

”Josh! Glad to have you back! Come sit with us.” Tyler puts the game on pause.

”Do you remember me?” the other man asks. Tyler kicks his leg for that, but Josh doesn’t mind the question. He looks at the man, then Tyler, then back at the man.

”You’re Tyler’s brother, but that is just an observation. I don’t remember you. I don’t even know your name.”

”It’s Zack,” he says and they shake hands.

”Nice to meet you,” Josh smiles, ”Again.” His head hurts, it had started on the way home.

”A pleasure, as always,” says Zack and climbs up from the sofa. ”I didn’t realize it was this late. I need to get going, sorry boys.”

”Sure,” Tyler says and takes a crisp from the bowl on the table.

”Hope I see you again,” Josh calls after Zack.

”Definitely,” comes Zack’s voice from the hall.

”How was it?” Tyler asks Josh once Zack has left.

”Not so bad,” Josh says and also takes a crisp, ”I’ll get the results next week.”

”You up for a game?” Tyler asks, waving his controller.

”Um,” says Josh, glancing at the paused screen, ”Which Mario Kart is this, actually?” The graphics look a bit weird to him.

”The newest one. The Wii U version.”

”Wii U?”

”Oh, you don’t remember,” Tyler mutters. A lump forms in Josh’s throat. Tyler sets the controller on the table, and somehow Josh is not having this. Not today.

”You know, Tyler, this is hard for me,” he says.

”I know.”

”I don’t think you do. You act like this is a bigger inconvenience for you. This doesn’t affect you one bit.”

”What do you mean?” Tyler spits. ”Of course this affects me!”

”How? You’re not the one who has overcome an accident. Who doesn’t remember anything. Yet you act like you’re the victim here.”

”Victim? I don’t think I’m the victim, but this has not been easy for me, Josh!”

”Easy for you doesn’t matter! You don’t get it! You don’t have to panic over empty spots or suffer hideous headaches! You could continue living your life like it is and I’m stuck figuring out which piece goes where.”

Tyler’s eyes have gone dark. ”My life isn’t the same anymore, Joshua. You don’t even remember me. You don’t know me. I bet you don’t even care about me. And I have to live with that.”

”I’m just a drummer, Tyler. Go get yourself a new one.”

”I can’t,” Tyler cries, ”It isn’t like that. It’s not about the band, at all. All this _hurts_ me. It hurts so much.”

”Well, it hurts me more.”

”Listen, Josh,” Tyler says, wiping away his tears, ”You were really important to me.”

”Were?” Josh raises his voice, which had been angry but quiet this far. ”You… You think I am not Josh? That me – Josh with amnesia isn’t the same Josh? You think… You have lost me? We are the same person, Tyler! I am Josh and maybe I will not remember you, ever, but you can’t tell me that I am not Josh.”

He takes a long breath and feels something icy in his chest. Tyler is now letting tears run freely on his face.

”Do you hate me? Do you think I’ve taken him away from you?”

”Josh, no –”

”What is it, Tyler?” He feels so _angry,_ and exhausted and his head is pounding.

”Josh, I didn’t mean it like that. It just slipped. Of course you are the same Josh. Can’t you see what I’m doing for you? I’ll bring you flowers. I try to help you remember. I‒ I even stay here with you, so you don’t have to do this alone.”

”Where do you live, Tyler?” Josh asks.

”In Columbus.”

”Ohio? Tyler, are you crazy? Why are you here? You aren’t helping me. You are suffocating me. Every day, I see you and I am forcibly reminded of something I _should_ remember. But the thing is I don’t actually need to remember you. I can manage perfectly without you. I don’t think you are making me better, Tyler. I think you are making me worse.”

Tyler looks like Josh had just stabbed him. He just stares, stunned.

”Tyler, I think I need space. I think I need you to go.”

Tyler blinks rapidly. ”Josh, you don’t mean that. Josh, I’m sorry.”

Josh stands up. ”I want you out of my house. Go back to Ohio where you belong.”

 

\--

 

He bolts awake at 3AM, feeling panic in every cell of his body.

He can’t breathe. He can’t _breathe. He can’t breathe. Hecantbreathe._

How could he say those things to Tyler? _His_ Tyler.

The feeling that is pulsing through Josh’s body is not unfamiliar to him. It’s a feeling that tortures him from time to time. His legs are numb and his hands shake. Breathing becomes almost impossible, and his brain is buzzing, reminding him of everything that is wrong with him.

_Tyler._

_”Hey, Josh, are you ready to go?”_

_Tyler’s voice._

_”Ty, I don’t feel well.”_

_”What’s wrong?”_

_Tyler’s hands, warm on his shoulders, then cupping his face._

_”I can’t do it, Tyler.”_

_”It’s okay.”_

_A caress._

_”Come sit on the couch. We’ll cancel the show.”_

_”No. Give me a minute.”_

_”Are you sure?”_

_A hand circling his waist._

_”Just delay it.”_

_Tyler speaking to someone else. Gentle hands guiding him on the sofa. A warm body pressed right next to him. A bottle of water ushered to his lips. Stray tears wiped away with calloused thumbs._

_”Just breathe, Joshua. Breathe. Close your eyes. Listen to me. Breathe.”_

He breathes.

He breathes, and scrambles for his phone. His hands are still shaking, but he is breathing. He finds Tyler’s number and calls, one two three four five six seven times. Tyler doesn’t answer.

Tyler isn’t suffocating him. He is helping him to breathe.

Josh drops on the bed and cries. He was so unnecessarily cruel and now Tyler is gone. Tyler is gone, and Josh needs him. He’s always needed Tyler.

His eyes find the roses on the table, and he sobs some more. He calls once more. He calls twice more.

He gets up and paces around the room. His heart is jumping in his chest, his throat is burning and he is shivering. He paces for a long time, and every minute is agony.

He gets his laptop, and types in the password he didn’t remember the day before. In the YouTube search bar, he writes _tyler joseph and josh dun._

And he tries to _breathe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay one more to go


	3. the recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back to tyler pov

 

It’s close to 5AM in Los Angeles and the sun is returning to the sky in only a few hours. The city never sleeps, and tonight that’s also the case of Tyler Joseph, who’s sitting in his car in a Target parking lot. Tears are not streaming down his face. Not anymore. Tyler is numb.

He sits on the driver’s seat, arms hanging limply by his sides. He has parked his car in the shades and is staring towards the store. Some kids are smoking weed near the entrance. Tyler can hear their laughter to his car.

His eyes and throat feel raw. That is expected, because he has been screaming behind the wheel, sobbing his heart out while aimlessly driving around the city. His ears are ringing because he put the radio volume to the max.

Tyler takes a shaky breath and lifts his hands on the wheel. He should head somewhere, book a hotel room or try to crash someone’s couch. There is one place his heart desires to go, but Josh doesn’t want him there. And Josh’s wish is Tyler’s command.

_It’s all over between him and Josh._ Tyler is lucky if he ever catches even a glimpse of Josh’s warm and beautiful eyes, or soft pink hair. He left his heart with Josh. The band may be gone too, but Tyler doesn’t care. Losing Josh is a thousand times worse.

Tyler watches as the stoner kids gather up and leave with their bikes, still laughing. Tyler wonders whether he’ll ever laugh again.

He’s just about to start the engine, when his phone beeps. It takes some time before Tyler manages to get hold of it. Somehow, the damn thing had ended up in between the backseats.

The blood in Tyler’s veins freezes when unlocks the screen.

_11 missed calls from Josh_

His eyes flick up to the other notification, the one that the phone had actually signaled about. It’s a message from Jenna, but Tyler ignores it and stares at Josh’s name.

He curses that he had just changed his ringtone to a quieter one. He curses that he just _had_ listen to some bullshit hip-hop on full volume. He curses that Josh had reached out to him, and Tyler had declined him. He taps the notification. The last call was made only twenty minutes ago.

Faster than ever, he’s pressing the ‘call’ icon beneath Josh’s name. He’s praying, he’s praying so hard that Josh will answer and everything will be fine once more.

“Pick up, pick up, pick up, oh please, pick up,” he actually mutters out loud.

Josh doesn’t answer. Tyler tries again and again. Still no.

He tosses the phone on the passenger seat, and starts the car, wiping the newly risen tears away.

He ignores the speed limits on his way back to Josh.

 

\--

 

The house is dark and eerily quiet. Tyler is so afraid that he won’t find Josh there. He fears that Josh has left the house, forever lost to him.

_Upstairs,_ he thinks and leaps the stairs up, two at the time. There are sounds coming from Josh’s room. He’s there. _He’s there._

Can he just barge in? Yes, he can. He opens the door gently.

“Josh? Joshie?” His voice has gone _so_ soft.

Josh is right there. He’s sitting in the middle of his bed, the sheets messily around him. Light is illuminating him from behind, giving him a halo. In contrast, the computer in his lap casts a much colder light on his face. Despite everything, he is beautiful. With exhaustion plain on his face, with dark circles around his eyes, he is still a lovely sight to Tyler’s eyes.

And he is crying. Maybe he had not shed tears a minute or two earlier, but Tyler’s sees the glistening plumb tears rolling down his cheeks. Josh tries to blink them away quickly, make it stop.

He doesn’t speak, but he stares with unbelieving eyes. Tyler takes a few steps towards him, in this fragile moment which seems like a dream. Josh has managed to stop the tears, but his face is still wet and glistening. He’s very pale, which emphasizes the red in his eyes and the dark around them. His tangled pink hair sticks to his forehead, also glistening with sweat.

And suddenly, something comes back to Tyler. He’s seen Josh like this before, maybe not as bad, but he has witnessed this - the shaky figure, the sheen of sweat, the broken eyes. Josh’s grip on the laptop is tight, knuckles bony and white.

“Josh?” he whispers. He wants to reach out and touch this angel. Josh lowers his eyes, looking at the screen. Is he still angry? Doesn’t he want Tyler here? Why did he call?

Slowly, Tyler approaches him. Josh’s eyes stay on the screen. What is he watching?

He tries to be careful as he climbs on the bed next to Josh. Josh scoots slightly over, giving Tyler room.

“What are you looking at?” Tyler asks softly, so gently, his voice barely above a whisper. Josh tilts the screen so that Tyler gets a better view. He seems nervous.

Tyler sees himself on the YouTube video Josh has paused. He vaguely remembers the interview from two months ago. Tyler on the screen is smiling widely at Josh.

“Jogging the memories?” Tyler asks. Josh stays quiet, but takes a deep breath. With only slight hesitation, Tyler places his hand on Josh’s shoulder, and caresses it with his thumb. Josh leans into the touch and closes his eyes. They stay like that for a while, Josh breathing softly through his nose, Tyler comforting him.

“I’ve been watching videos since I woke up,” Josh finally says, and, _gosh_ , they had been separated only a few hours, but Tyler had missed his voice.

“Woke up?” echoes Tyler.

“I woke up around three.”

Tyler squeezes his shoulder. “Why?” He knows _why._ It’s his fault.

“I felt horrible,” Josh continues quietly. “Like I couldn’t breathe. You always helped me to breathe. I remember that. I remember some things now.”

_Do you remember me now?_ Tyler longs to ask, but instead he leans closer to Josh, asks,

“Do you feel better now?”

Josh gives him a hesitant nod. He finally opens his eyes, returns to stare at the screen. “Tyler…”

“Yes?”

Josh’s voice becomes very meek and silent.

“I’ve been watching these videos and I can’t help but notice…” He lifts his gaze, turns his beautiful face towards Tyler, eyes so very vulnerable. Two identical teardrops run down his cheeks. Tyler has to restrain himself from lunging forward to kiss them away.

“Tyler,” Josh whimpers and more tears escape his eyes. Tyler can hardly stand it. He wraps Josh into his embrace and feels Josh melt into him. Tyler rocks them back and forth as Josh shivers. After a moment, Josh whispers into his neck, “You must have loved me a lot.”

Tyler’s heart skips a beat, but he doesn’t cease caressing Josh’s back.

“I just… You always… Watching the videos made me feel… Like I couldn’t believe that was you and that was me. And I didn’t only watch interviews, there were other videos and I could see it, it was so evident. That you loved me. And I wanted to be that Josh in the videos. Even though that Josh in the videos is me, and if the Tyler in the videos loves that Josh that must mean that this Tyler-“ Josh detaches himself from Tyler, takes his hand and presses it to his chest, where his gentle heart lies. “- _must_ love _this_ Josh.”

And Tyler is crying. He feels Josh’s rapid heartbeat under his palm and he can’t believe that it had been so evident, but on the other hand Tyler can barely contain the love he feels for Josh. It shows in every smile, every touch, every time he speaks or sings.

Because Tyler has remained so quiet, Josh starts to panic. “Am I making this all up? Is this all in my head?”

_“No,”_ Tyler says immediately. “I did love you. I _do_ love you. So much.”

The sound Josh lets out is half relief, half agony. “Are we together?” Josh asks. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We are not,” Tyler says, and Josh looks like a hurt and confused kitten.

“Why?” he pleads as he caresses Tyler’s arms. “I want us to be together.”

“I was a coward,” Tyler whispers, “I was afraid you didn’t want me, not in that way.”

“Stupid Tyler,” Josh snorts. He is smiling with tears in his eyes. “ _Baby boy,_ I love you. I remember that. I _know_ that.”

“But you still don’t remember _me_.”

“No, Tyler, I do. In a way. Remember when I told you I could recall another presence on the stage, your presence? I feel that right know, but thousand times amplified. You surround me in life. My brain is shouting at me. You know what it’s shouting at me?”

Tyler shakes his head, wipes his tears. Josh comes very close to him and presses his lips to the shell of Tyler’s ear.

“ _Tyler. Music. Safe. Warm. Loved. Love. Tyler._ That’s what I feel. That’s what I remember.”

“I love you,” Tyler has to say.

“I love you too,” Josh barely manages to answer before Tyler is climbing on top of him, kicking the laptop off the bed.

And then they are _kissing, kissing, kissing, kissing._

\--

 

It like bliss after that. Every day, Josh tells Tyler new memories, eyes beaming and lips smiling. Giddiness has become a permanent feeling in the pit of Tyler’s stomach.

It feels like it has always been like this. It feels like there have always been morning cuddles, footsies beneath the table, afternoon walks under the same umbrella.

There are soft sweet moments that make both of them feel like they are floating. Like when Tyler keeps playing random Twenty One Pilots songs on his synthesizer, not noticing that Josh has stopped doing whatever he had been doing at the moment, and is now staring at Tyler in awe. Until Tyler starts to play The X-Files theme song, and they both start to giggle. Josh walks over to Tyler and climbs in his lap and they continue laughing as they kiss until the small chair tips underneath them and they end up on the floor.

Not that everything is easy. Josh starts to wake up at nights, in panic. First time, he pushes Tyler off the bed and then spends 15 minutes apologizing to him as Tyler cards his fingers through Josh’s sweaty pink curls. The next night, it happens again, but this time Josh burrows into Tyler’s side and doesn’t let go of him for the rest of the night. Josh manages to fall asleep again, but Tyler lies awake all night, Josh’s wretched inhales and helpless sobs haunting his ears.

One evening, Tyler is setting up the TV for a Game of Thrones marathon. They are still expecting Mark to arrive, and Josh is preparing snacks in the kitchen. Tyler has just found the remote control between the sofa cushions, when he hears something crash in the kitchen.

“Josh?” Tyler calls, slightly worried. He pauses the screen before the opening credits start to roll, and tiptoes to the kitchen.

At first, he doesn’t see Josh. The kitchen seems empty, but when Tyler steps around the kitchen island, he finds Josh sitting in the corner, shattered porcelain around him.

Josh meets Tyler’s eyes, and mumbles,

“I just knocked it over with my elbow.”

“It’s okay,” Tyler says and takes an empty bowl from the counter. He squats down and starts collecting the shards that used to be Josh’s _I Want to Believe_ mug, his favorite. “It happens. It was an accident.”

Tyler freezes when something red sticks to his fingers from a shard, and that is not ketchup. His eyes travel to Josh’s right foot. Blood is dripping between his toes.

“Sweetheart, you’re bleeding,” Tyler whispers. Quickly, he gathers the remaining shards in the bowl and pushes it far away from Josh.

“Stay there and don’t move,” Tyler commands and stands up.

_It’s fine. It’s just a wound that bleeds. You can bandage it up, and Josh will be fine._

“Tyler…” Josh grabs Tyler’s calf. “Tyler, why do you love me? I’m just a ruin of a boy.”

That makes Tyler drop to his knees. “Josh. Oh, Josh.” He gathers Josh is his arms. “No, Josh. No.”

That’s where Mark finds them. He’s eyes drift to the bowl containing the shattered mug, and the droplets of blood staining the white tiles of the floor.

“What’s happened here?” He asks as he takes in Josh’s shaking figure and the Tyler latched onto him.

“Josh just dropped his mug. Nothing to worry about,” Tyler says.

“I knocked it off the counter with my elbow,” Josh corrects hoarsely.

Mark raises his brow. “Okay, guys. Tyler, why don’t you get Josh patched up… Oh, okay.”

Mark looks just a little surprised when Tyler sweeps Josh in his arms in one swift motion and even manages to stand up holding Josh bridal style. Mark has witnessed several similar instances, but never this serious.

“Well, works that way, I guess… I doubt the injury is bad enough to prevent Josh from walking…”

Tyler doesn’t answer him. Instead, he carries Josh over to the living room and gently sets him on the couch.

“Be right back,” he says, kissing Josh on the forehead.

He sees Mark getting a mop to clean up the blood. Tyler in turn slips into the bathroom to get the first aid kit.

Josh is sitting still when Tyler comes back, staring blankly ahead. What happened to him?

“What’s on your mind?” Tyler asks as he cleans the wound. Josh wiggles his toes. The wound is just below them, and not very deep.

“The pain took me by surprise,” Josh mutters. “And the noise the mug made when it broke. I was just… spooked.”

“No more X-Files for you,” Tyler says.

“Not like that,” Josh frowns. “My brain short-circuited. Everything became too much and just couldn’t handle it. Next thing I know I was on the floor having troubles to breathe.”

“You’re fine now?”

“It’s over. It was stupid.”

Tyler sighs. He finishes bandaging the foot and kisses it for good measure. Then he climbs on the sofa next to Josh, as Mark enters the room, holding a large bowl.

“Were we supposed to eat this popcorn?”

“Yes,” says Josh, and he smiles, and it’s relief. He has pulled Tyler flush against him, and Tyler’s hand has come to rest on his knee. Mark’s eyebrows shoot towards his hairline, but he says nothing and just sets the popcorn on the table.

Mark doesn’t yet know that Tyler and Josh have become TylerandJosh. They haven’t even seen Mark in over a week. Skype sessions happen almost daily, and through them Mark has learned about Josh’s returned memories. Tyler is uncertain whether Mark has taken notice about Tyler and Josh’s changed relationship.

In fact, barely nothing has changed after all. There are just more kisses and more intimacy. Passion, well, they have yet to cross that bridge.

“So, Game of Thrones?” says Mark. He has already taken a fistful of popcorn.

“That’s the plan,” confirms Tyler.

“Any memories, Josh?”

Josh shakes his head. “Sean Bean is in this, right?”

“Yup.” Mark drops a few popcorns into his mouth. “Man, I would actually pay to experience Game of Thrones all over again. Consider yourself a lucky bastard, Josh.”

Josh actually laughs, and it’s the loveliest sound Tyler’s ears know.

They manage to get halfway through season one (Josh almost climbs into Tyler’s lap when Bran falls and cries when Lady is killed) before it gets too overwhelming. Mark turns the TV off and faces Tyler and Josh. Tyler’s head has fallen on Josh’s shoulder, and Josh’s fingers are drawing patterns on his neck.

“Guys, is there something you’d like to tell me?” Mark asks.

Josh answers by kissing Tyler’s cheek. Tyler’s heart is hammering.

“Alrighty,” says Mark, digging the last popcorn from the bowl. “Was this going on before…”

Tyler and Josh shake their heads in unison.

“Really?”

“Did you suspect something?” asks Tyler.

Mark shrugs. “You two were always enigmatic. Like, I could see that you were very affectionate and cared about each other.”

“I’m in love with him,” Tyler blurts out. He can actually _sense_ Josh’s blush.

“Cool,” says Mark. He stands up. “I’d better get going.” He wipes the pieces of popcorn from his lap to the floor.

“It was nice hanging out with you, Mark,” Josh says.

“Don’t finish the season without me,” Mark answers.

“Mark, you have seen it like 17 times,” Tyler complains.

“We promise,” Josh laughs.

“Oh, and Tyler?”

“Hm?”

“Please don’t knock Josh up.”

“Mark!”

 

\--

 

Without a question, Tyler comes with Josh to the doctor’s appointment. Sure, he had been there last time, but now he feels like it’s his duty to be there and support his Josh.

They sit in the silent waiting room, gripping each other’s hands tightly.

“Are you coming with me?” asks Josh. The only other sounds in the room are someone trying to hide their cough and the annoying ticking of the clock on the wall.

“Of course,” is Tyler’s answer. Josh grips him a little tighter, but it doesn’t hurt. It just feels right.

“Joshua Dun,” calls the warm voice of the doctor. He’s a tall middle-aged man.

Tyler follows Josh into the room.

“This is my Tyler,” Josh introduces. Tyler blushes a little.

“Doctor Paolo Luna,” the doctor says, shaking Tyler’s hand. “Please, both of you, sit down.”

Doctor Luna turns his head towards Josh and gives him a smile. “How have you been, Joshua?”

“Good,” Josh says tensely. Doctor Luna raises an eyebrow. Josh avoids his gaze, so Tyler decides to take over.

“Josh has anxiety attacks. He wakes up in the middle of the night, terrified.”

Josh kicks Tyler’s ankle. “What?” Tyler says.

“It’s no Doctor Luna’s concern. He’s job is to check what’s going on inside my head.”

“Joshua,” Doctor Luna sighs. “If you are having anxiety attacks that’s definitely my concern. You do know they primarily occur inside your head?”

Tyler knows he looks a little smug right now. But it’s all for Josh’s best. Josh’s, who has hung his head and stares at his shoes.

“Can you tell me about them, Joshua?” asks Doctor Luna kindly.

“It’s just…” Josh takes a deep breath through his nose. “I just wake up, all scared and stuff. No dreams. Like I want to disappear. Can’t breathe. Can’t think straight. Everything is too much. Thinking about anything makes me panic.”

“It happened yesterday at daytime,” Tyler adds.

“I’ve had them before the accident. Do you think my brain is just now remembering that I have anxiety?”

Doctor Luna shakes his head. “I think this is accident-related. But your background with anxiety might amplify it.”

“PTSD?” Tyler asks. His arm has found its way to Josh’s shoulder, and he gently caresses Josh’s shoulder.

“Not that bad,” Doctor Luna assures, “But sleep problems after trauma are usual. Add anxiety to the mix, and these things happen. Do you currently take medication for your anxiety?”

Josh shakes his head.

“I’m prescribing you some.” Doctor Luna turns to his computer.

“Josh sleeps just well after he has woken up. It usually takes him only about half an hour to calm down and fall asleep again,” Tyler feels the need to explain.

The doctor looks over at him over his shoulder. “You check on him?”

“We sleep in the same bed,” Tyler blurts out. Now it’s Josh’s turn to blush.

“So you don’t have any trouble falling back asleep? You don’t wake up again for the rest of the night?”

“He sleeps like a baby until 10AM,” Tyler answers for Josh.

“How do you know?” Josh asks.

Tyler shrugs. “I usually get no more sleep after you have woken up.”

“That’s not very good for you, Tyler, wasn’t it?” Doctor Luna points out.

“I agree,” says Josh.

“Whatever,” Tyler mutters.

“Maybe try sleeping in different beds,” Doctor Luna says casually. Tyler doesn’t like the spark the statement sets in Josh’s eyes.

“And leave Josh alone with his anxiety? I’d never do that! Never have, and never will.”

“It was just a suggestion.”

They spent the rest of the appointment looking the pictures of Josh’s brain. Doctor Luna does find changes, but only minor and positive ones. Tyler can see that he is really glad to hear about Josh’s returning memories. He encourages them to continue living life as it is. Tyler feels a smile tugging his lips.

In the car, Josh is silent.

“Something’s bothering you,” Tyler states as he parks on their driveway.

“Tyler, is it true that you don’t get much sleep because of me?”

Tyler thinks of all the hours he’s spent staring at Josh’s sleeping figure. He thinks of the fragility of those moments. How he can’t take his eyes off Josh.

“Don’t worry about it,” Tyler says, pulling up the handbrake.

“Tyler, I want no harm to you,” Josh almost whines.

“You are causing none.”

“Tyler, don’t deny it. I’m causing you to lose sleep.”

Tyler looks Josh straight in the eye. “Drop it, Jishwa.” He climbs out of the car, and slams the door maybe a tad bit too hard. Hard enough to let Josh know that maybe he is a little pissed.

Josh jogs after him.

“Tyler, I think it would be good for you take the spare room tonight. Good for us.”

“What?” Tyler turns around almost violently. “You think I would leave you alone?”

“Tyler, I am not a baby. I can handle myself.”

“I don’t want you to be alone.”

“I care about you. I love you. But I am only hurting you.”

“Don’t talk like that,” Tyler hisses.

“You have been constantly here with me. And I thank you for that. But maybe you should try spending some time apart from me. To see if you’ll feel better.”

“No!” Tyler shouts sharply. “I will not!”

“What if I want you to?” Josh cries.

“Are you leaving me?” Tyler says. He can actually feel himself going numb, saying those words.

“I’m asking you to leave me,” Josh says quietly.

“You did that once. You told me to go back to Ohio where I belonged.” Tyler feels a lump forming in his throat.

“You can’t deny that. Go see your family. I don’t want to hoard you here.”

Tyler takes two big steps to Josh. He kisses both of his cheeks, tastes the salt of tears. “Hoard me for all I care. You are half my family.”

“I can’t be. You have a big family.”

Taking a shaky breath, Tyler leans his forehead on Josh’s. “And you are a very big part of it.”

Josh’s hands come to grip Tyler’s biceps. “Are you leaving me?”

To that Tyler can only shake his head vehemently. “Never,” he whispers against Josh’s lips. “Even if you kicked me out, I’d sleep in the bushes and stalk you.”

Josh chuckles and kisses Tyler. “I’m still putting you on the couch tonight.”

Tyler agrees, because he is so whipped after all. But he sleeps fucking miserably.

 

\--

 

One night, when Josh has allowed Tyler in his bed again, because there really is no other choice, Josh wakes up and this time can’t fall asleep again.

Tyler clutches his shaky figure as Josh desperately tries to breathe again. It breaks Tyler’s heart. This still happens, even though Josh has started to take medication.

“Can you sing to me?” Josh asks, pained.

“What would you like to hear, baby?”

“Anything.” So Tyler sings an uncertain melody,

_“All my friends are heathens. Take it slow_

_Wait for them to ask you who you know_

_Please don't make any sudden moves_

_You don't know the half of the abuse.”_

“What’s that?”

“Something I’ve been working on for a while.”

“For the next album?”

“Maybe.”

“Sing more.”

Tyler changes the song.

_“Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol' days,_

_When our momma sang us to sleep but now we're stressed out.”_

Josh is incredibly still, but still conscious. Tyler sighs and kisses his forehead.

_“Here I come, come to you in the very clothes_

_That I killed, killed you in and now I know I'm alone_

_I walk to you, rain falls from you_

_Can you wash me, can you drown me?”_

“You have a beautiful voice,” Josh mutters.

“I’ve been told,” says Tyler. It’s 4AM and they’re both wide awake.

“Do I ever sing?”

“Not for the crowd.”

“Yeah, I thought so. I don’t have the guts.”

“The world doesn’t have the guts for your angelic voice.”

Josh snorts, but Tyler feels tears streaming down his own face. He feels Josh’s lips on his hairline.

“I’ve written songs about you,” Tyler suddenly says.

“Oh. We don’t have many love songs. Like _Tear in My Heart.”_

“Well, that’s actually about Jenna. But _We Don’t Believe What’s on TV_ is about you.”

Josh smiles. Tyler decides not to tell him about the notebook full of songs about Josh. One day, he’s going surprise him.

_“Won't you stay alive_

_I'll take you on a ride.”_

_“I will make you believe you are lovely,”_ Josh finishes for him and gives him an eskimo kiss.

 

\--

 

Today is a good day. Josh has been stopping on his tracks since morning, turning around to run to Tyler and tell him excitedly about something he has just remembered. And every time Tyler picks him up and twirls him around.

“Josh, I think we should start getting everything ready,” Tyler mutters against Josh’s lips. Josh is sitting on the kitchen counter and Tyler is stood between his legs, hands locked loosely around Josh’s neck.

“But this is so nice! You are so nice…” Josh whines. “Michael and Zack won’t be here for another hour…”

“Yes, but still…” Tyler detaches himself from Josh and stares at him sternly in the eye.

They have decided to put up a little concert. Just for friends and family. It had been Josh’s idea and it hade made Josh extremely happy for the past few days, and thus Tyler was also overjoyed.

But Josh puts on one of _those_ smiles and Tyler surrenders. “Okay,” he sighs and picks Josh up to carry him on the sofa.

He’s thinking it’ll be just a long makeout session, but then his traitorous mind starts to wander. Things like last night pop up into his head. How he had _licked_ his own name on Josh’s thigh. _Yeah, maybe don’t go there…_

Tyler’s hands wander under Josh’s shirt. Josh sighs. “I will have you. Now,” Tyler whispers and brings his other to the button of his jeans.

And then he looks up and sees his brother standing there.

“Tyler!” Zack groans, taking in Tyler on top of Josh, other hand under Josh’s shirt, another in the process of removing his pants.

Zack covers his eyes and turns around.

“Zack!” Tyler whines.

“What?” Josh squeaks and pushes Tyler away.

“I did not want to witness that!” Zack shouts.

“Zack, come back! You didn’t witness anything.”

Zack comes back. “You are trying hide it?”

Tyler looks at Josh, still lying on his back on the couch. Josh is just blushing violently, completely flushed. He’s adorable.

“No, we are not,” Tyler says. Zack actually smiles, even though it’s a little awkward.

“That’s so cool! I’m happy for you guys! Who knows?”

“Mark,” says Josh from the couch.

“Of course.” Zack rolls his eyes. “If you hurt him, I will kill you,” he says to Tyler.

“What the frick, Zack? You are _my_ brother? You should be giving that speech to Josh!”

“Josh is a human kitten,” Zack shrugs, “Besides, looks like now he is my brother, too.”

A few hours later the house is full of Duns and Josephs. Tyler, who hasn’t seen his family besides Zack for weeks is as happy as he can ever be, Josh added to his side. He doesn’t if anyone has yet noticed the new closeness between them. On the other hand, they have always been close.

They are still waiting for Jenna, who has been stuck in the afternoon traffic for a good hour, when Zack skips the stairs down from upstairs where he had been searching for a missing amplifier. He takes in the whole house full of family, and smirks. Tyler gives him the tiniest shake of head, in vain.

“Guys, guess what happened earlier? I walked in on Tyler trying to _deflower_ Josh.” Everyone freezes. “On the couch!”

Everyone’s reaction is different. Kelly actually _gasps._ Jay jumps quickly up from the mentioned couch. Ashley and Madison share a look. Jordan’s eyes shoot daggers at Tyler. Abigail mouths _on the couch._ Josh hides his face in his hands.

“Deflowering, like Zack here said, my son on the couch?” says Bill. “What were you thinking?”

“That wasn’t the first time!” Tyler says before thinking.

“Tyler!” Josh wails and he couldn’t get any redder. Mark is trying hide his laughter, and Michael eyes Jordan carefully, who looks like he’s about to give Tyler the same speech Zack had a few hours ago.

“Calm down, everyone.” Laura comes forward and takes Bill’s arm. “So Tyler and Josh are in love. Nothing new.” She smiles at Tyler.

“What did I miss here?” says Jenna who has just come through the front door.

 

\--

 

 “Tyler, why are you listening to fuckboy music?”

“Language…” Tyler mutters, and continues to light up candles.

“What is going on here?” Josh marvels. There’s a big bouquet of red roses on the table. “What happened to the yellow ones?”

“We moved on from them.”

“Tyler, should I be concerned?”

Tyler lights up the last candle. The whole living room is full of them. Then there are the roses, the music, the dimmed lights.

“Maybe. I don’t know. I just came up with this earlier today. And you can say anything to this, really.”

Josh looks at Tyler skeptically. “Is this a sex thing?” He finally asks.

“Nope.”

“Really? Because I’m open to almost anything.”

“Noted. But it’s not.”

“But you have been impossibly sex-crazed these past days. You can’t stop making innuendos!”

“Who could blame me? I’m finally getting some!”

“Tyler, you compared yogurt to jizz. _While Mark was eating yogurt.”_

Tyler shrugs. “Anyway… This is not a sex thing. This is a love thing.”

“Cue the fuckboy music playing on the background?”

“ _It came on shuffle!”_ Tyler turns off the stereo. “Josh, babe, just stand there and be all perfect as usual.”

Josh still looks skeptical, but stays where he is.

Tyler clears his throat. He’s starting to feel nervous. “This is very spontaneous but I decided to just roll with it. Hell, I don’t even have all the right equipment. But that’s alright. The main thing is the thought.”

“Jishwa – love – the past weeks have been the most amazing of my life. Although it saddens me that us getting here required for you to get seriously hurt, I oddly don’t regret a thing. This is our way. And I’m so incredibly lucky, and happy. I realized it this morning, when I was watching you brush your teeth. You, standing there, shirtless, purple hair all messy – that’s all I want. And so I decided that even though it is fairly early, it is the time for this question.”

And then Tyler gets on one knee, and Josh’s eyes are wide as saucers.

“Joshua, will you marry me?”

“Yes!” Josh gasps and throws himself on Tyler. They fall on the floor and Josh is staring at him with glistening eyes.

“Oh my God,” he says, sounding insanely happy.

They kiss once, twice. “I don’t have a ring for you,” says Tyler

“I don’t need a ring,” answers Josh.

“I want to give you a ring. I’m a man of tradition.”

Josh snorts loudly. “If you were, you would have asked for my parents’ permission to court me.”

“Well, I kind of already admitted in front of your parents that I’d had sex with you. And I did court you!”

“Grabbing my ass is not courting me.”

“I meant the flowers.”

“Oh.”

“But anyway.” Tyler takes Josh face between his palms and smiles at his fiancé. “I’m so happy.”

“Me too.” They kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you the most.”

They go ring shopping the next day, and take Jenna with them because she’s got incredible taste. And maybe Tyler ends up telling every other person about there engagement and how beautiful his _fiancé_ is, but nobody really minds. Everyone can see how in love they are.

Two days later, they are having dinner with Josh’s parents, and they end up talking about the future of Twenty One Pilots. The tour is now postponed until Doctor Luna gives green light to Josh.

“The fans are excited,” Tyler tells, “They have something to look forward to again.”

“And do we?” asks Laura, eyeing the shiny new ring on Josh’s finger. They haven’t told them yet, but mother’s eyes are always keen.

Tyler takes Josh’s hand. “You might have.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm a bit of a wild case when it comes to commas so if they were all over the place i'm sorry.
> 
> also sorry this must be medically really incorrect and i don't know how hospitals work in america. 
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoyed!
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](http://julesfcasablancas.tumblr.com)


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